Can Love Last a Lifetime?

Let’s talk about long term relationships and if they are viable. 

You know why I’m talk about this? As a marriage counselor, I have seen a lot of people who really question this. Is there really such a thing as life long love? Are humans capable of it? Most people have never seen it first hand in real life, but what they do see is break ups and divorces. Hard to blame people for doubting if that is all they know. 

A divorce attorney once told me that at its peak, the divorce rate in California reached 75%, that our state is pulling up the divorce rate. In any case, it’s safe to say that 50% of marriages end in divorce.

So the question is, do long term relationships actually work? Is it possible for people to stay together and still be in love all the way into old age?

The answer is a definite yes. Love stories like the one in “The Notebook” actually exist. 

I’m not saying relationships should live up to Nicholas Sparks level of romance. But I am telling you, there are real couples with the most amazing stories, that they had to fight through and endure so much but they still stayed together. Things like bankruptcy, mental illness, losing a child, infidelity. There are couples that stuck together and faced these things together, united, and in the end, the difficulties made them closer. They didn't blame each other or give up on each other, instead they trusted in each other and leaned on each other. When it mattered the most, they were there for each other. That built a life long bond stronger than anything else. 

For other couples, it’s not that they faced difficulty, but they were together for so long that they each grew into different people, they grew apart. There are couples who met when they were really young, before they established themselves in the world. When both people are evolving and growing, it's easy to lose sight and drift further and further away from each other. That’s how break ups happen, which is so sad, because of course you want the other person to grow and become the best versions of themselves. The couples who survive this process made a point to keep their eye on their relationship, that even in the midst of chasing ambitious career goals, they don’t take their relationship for granted. They made sure to stay connected and in touch with the other person. They made time for this, to spend time with each other and to learn about the developments going on with each other. As they grow and change, it’s almost like they got to fall in love with each other all over again. I hear them say, I love the person that you’ve become. 

A lifelong love is possible. I wanted you to know that. Even if the relationship is really struggling right now, there is hope. It IS possible to repair what’s broken, and it is possible for you two to grow old together in a lifelong, loving relationship. 

There are so many couples who give up fighting for their relationship because they think there is no hope and that there is no point. They throw in the towel even though they still love each other. But that is like a cancer patient who gave up before even trying radiation and chemo. You don’t have to give up right away, if you still love this person, and in your mind you can still see the picture of the two of you being in love and happy together, you can try to fix it. That’s what couples counseling is for. Do you know that back in the day before dentistry was a thing, people would just give up on a tooth with a cavity, oh there’s no saving that. Yeah that was before we established the science and trained professional dentists. Same thing with your relationship, couples therapists are trained to pinpoint your problems and help you guys restore and strengthen your relationship. A lot of therapists offer free consultations, look around and talk to some of them, see if you find one that you feel comfortable with. 

I hope all of you out there find the help that you need. 

Strong Willed Children Are Blessings

Let’s talk about how it’s a good thing that you have a strong willed child. 

It takes a lot of patience and energy to raise a strong willed child. That’s an understatement. Children have more energy than us as it is, and this is especially true for strong willed children who have all the energy in the world to keep arguing with you about something. 

But the fact is, it is a huge blessing to have a strong willed child because they will grow up to be an assertive and confident critical thinker. Your child thinks for themselves and doesn’t let people push them around. Your child will stand up for themselves and they will stand up for what is right. Your child is a natural leader and innovator that is here to shape the world rather than letting the world shape them. 

As their parent, you are charged with the important and difficult task of guiding them. This is a lot of work, it will take all the patience and love that you have, the reward at the end, you will have a child who grows up to be a strong, capable, driven person. 

Compare this with a compliant child. They are much easier to parent, they just do what they are told, they don’t challenge you or the status quo. 

But think about this, what is a compliant child? The child is either eager to please people, or they don’t feel strongly about their opinions. It’s great that they are easy going when they are children, they just listen, BUT, when they grow up, who knows if they know how to stand up for themselves or fight for what makes them happy. Will they just stay quiet in an unhappy or unreasonable work situation? 

With the strong willed child, at least your work is done when they are grown. For a child who is so eager to please people and avoid conflict, you might be worrying about them for many years to come. 

So is it better one way or the other? Actually, it doesn’t matter because children are typically born one way or another, somehow they just come out and they have the personality that they have. We don’t get to choose what our children will be like, but we can choose how we parent them.

For all the parents out there who have challenging children, I hope that you two have good teamwork and grow closer together through this journey. Rely on each other and be there for each other.

What is Love?

Valentine’s 2019 is upon us, time to celebrate love!

What is love? What does it mean to you? What is romantic love, as opposed to the other kinds of love that humans have for each other? What makes romantic love unique?

In contemporary English, the word “love” describes a whole bunch of different things–

• a feeling, an emotion that is felt towards people, objects, activities or events, e.g. “I love Oregon”, “I love my job”

• the interpersonal bond between people, the mutual loyalty and commitment, which is found in romantic love as well as with family, friendships, and can also be extended to the bond between a pet and its owner

• the state or status of being “in love”, e.g. “we are in love”, “she fell in love”

• a virtue representing human kindness and compassion

• “An act of love” describes the behaviors that result from any of the things above

In Greek, there are different words that describe different kinds of love–e.g. “eros”, “philo”, “agape”, etc. (refer to Wiki article) In Chinese word that means love is “ai” (Mandarin) or “oi” (Cantonese) which is used similarly to the English word love, but there are other words that describe the bonds and loyalty between spouses, friends, and family members.

In the movie “Dan in Real Life”, Steve Carell is told that love is an ability. As a therapist, I say that love is made real through actions and choices, or else it is just an abstract, empty concept.

What does “love” mean to you?

Satisfied Ever After

… as opposed to “happily ever after”.

Hollywood, fairy tales, and romance (erotic) novels have created an unrealistic expectation in peoples’ minds. Such expectations are a set up for constant disappointment and discouragement, this is what kills relationships.

You know why “happily ever after” is impossible? Because happiness is a fleeting emotion, and emotions come and go. Secondly, it is an impossibly heavy burden to ask your partner to keep you happy every single second for the rest of your life.

The concept of maintaining satisfaction in a relationship is more practical. “I am not satisfied” is much easier to fix than “I am not happy” because satisfaction can be evaluated and achieved in concrete terms while happiness is abstract and subjective. Thinking in terms of satisfaction, the two people would examine their needs and create reasonable expectations of what is “satisfactory”. Once needs and expectations are clearly communicated, it is much easier to reach and maintain the sense of satisfaction.

Similar to the way companies conduct customer satisfaction research, couples should routinely check in with their spouse/partner to make sure needs are being satisfied.

When and Why a Person Ends a Marriage

Normally people talk about “why did the marriage fail” or “the problems that lead to divorce”, but what if we looked at this from the perspective of just one of the people. After all, the only thing you know for sure is your own perspective, and you only have the power to change yourself. So, let’s talk about how people reach the decision “it is time to end the marriage”.

People come to this decision when they have enough evidence that led them to the conclusion “things are not working and there is no way to fix it”. Essentially this comes from a subjective sense of helplessness. This is a list of the most common situations that lead to a person feeling helpless in their relationship:

• when it seems like there is no way to make the other person happy

• when it seems like there is no way to get through to the other person, communication is broken and any attempts to talk will lead to a fight

• the other person doesn’t hesitate to fight in front of the kids or even bring the kids into the conflict

• the other person threatens to leave you

• the other person is acting like they don’t care anymore

• one or both of you see each other as an enemy, therefore are constantly thinking about how to protect yourselves rather than thinking about the other person or the relationship as a whole

• along similar lines, one or both people assume their partner has the worst intentions

• seems like the other person doesn’t even like you anymore, let alone treasure or appreciate

• when it feels like you cannot be yourself in the relationship

Even one of these criteria show up in the relationship, it could lead you or your partner to reach the conclusion that there must not be help anymore. But don’t give up without trying. Sometimes it’s actually a huge misunderstanding, and other times it is a conflict that can be resolved through creating agreements.

I’m obviously going to tell you to find a couples therapist to help you, after all, that’s the reason that this profession exists at all–that professional help actually helps. Not all the time, but enough of the time, otherwise there would not be such a profession and the world would have even more divorce attorneys (if you could imagine that).