Couples counseling can help you and your partner stop arguing
Have you and your partner tried to speak calmly but still end up raising your voices? Does it feel like conflicts never get resolved, that the tension lingers in the relationship?
The problem isn't "unhealthy communication" or a lack of conflict resolution skills. Recurring arguing is a symptom of underlying problems such as resentment, broken trust, or "stonewalling".
I have specialized in couples therapy for almost 20 years. I have helped hundreds of couples fix their relationship. Let me help you address the real root of the problem and change the dynamic between you two. Once the underlying damage is healed, everything will feel different. It won't be hard to communicate anymore.
When your relationship needs help
Do any of these happen in your relationship?
"The silent treatment"
"Dead bedroom"
Trying to talk just turns into argument
"Two ships in the night, just passing each other"
We are physically together but emotionally distant
One or both of us stay mad
How Couples Therapy Teaches Couples to Stop Arguing
1 / Setting and enforcing ground rules
There needs to be ground rules for how you two talk to each other. You are not allowed to raise your voice, you are not allowed to take jabs, you are not allowed to lash out. When one or both of you break the rules, the conversation needs to pause. Either of you have to say "we need to pause this conversation" and take space away from each other. You are not allowed to use the pause as a way to cut off the other person from talking. The conversation can continue if both of you feel calm and ready to speak peacefully.
2 / Each person is responsible for regulating their own emotions
Feeling angry and hurt is valid, but communicating while the anger or pain is active only results in verbal attacks. For your partner to hear you, your message NEEDS to be said calmly. Regulating your emotions when feeling wronged, betrayed, or disrespected is hard, and you might need time to process the feelings. Regulating yourself is the key to finally being heard.
3 / Speak in ways that appeal to each other
The purpose of talking is to get through to the other person, so they understand how you feel. That is why it is counterproductive to speak in anger. Speaking in anger is a verbal attack, whether you are conscious of it, you are hurting the other person because you feel hurt. Instead, think through what you actually want your partner to understand. There is something you need from your partner, you might need an apology, acknowledgement, compassion, or validation. Phrase your message in a way that appeals to your partner's kindness and love.
When therapy works ...
Improve Communication
Change how you talk to each other so both of you feel heard. Past conflicts and resentment can block communication; these are the walls people build to protect themselves. Elvina will help bring down those walls.
Restore Intimacy
Couples can become distant for many reasons, but professional counseling can help bring back the attraction and special spark that was there in the beginning.
Maintaining Connection
Like everything else in life, relationships need attention and care to be well maintained. Instead of a temporary Band-Aid, effective couples counseling creates permanent improvement that is sustained long term.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Sex Therapist, Ph.D. in Clinical Sexology
I have specialized in couples therapy since 2007, I cannot believe it has been almost 20 years.
Most couples I meet have tried to fix their relationship problems on their own but could not figure out how. Even though the two people love each other and are committed, sometimes that's just not enough. A breach of trust, a heated argument, financial hardship, and countless other things can damage a relationship.
With my professional training and years of experience, I am efficient at pinpointing the specific relationship problem and coming up with practical solutions. If you are struggling in your relationship, please consider getting professional help. The consultation is free.
What is the hourly rate? How much does a session cost?
My rate is $250 for 60 minutes. When we set our appointments, you can choose to reserve a longer time block if you wish. Otherwise the standard session is 60 minutes.
I offer evening as well as weekend appointments. I meet with clients in person as well as online.
My hourly rate reflects my extensive experience and unique set of skills:
19 years of clinical experience
Doctorate level training in sex therapy
My bilingual and bicultural background makes me uniquely skilled in helping mixed race couples and couples coming from different backgrounds. The majority of my clients have had conflicts due to cultural differences.
My career is split between the Bay Area (2007-2018) and Pasadena (2018-present). These two communities are made up of very different subcultures and are fueled by different industries, but what they have in common are the highly educated couples working in high acheiving, demanding careers. Back then, I worked with clients from all the major tech companies in Silicone Valley, as well as professionals from the medical field and corporate America. Now in SoCal I have worked with creatives working in the entertainment industry and music industry, as well as professionals working in the space industry.
In both locations, I worked with people on the spectrum as well as people diagnosed with ADHD, depression, and anxiety.
In both locations, I worked with gender diverse couples with a range of sexual orientations.
My clinical work is trauma-informed, which is at the core of many relationship problems, whether sexual trauma or emotional trauma.
Along with substance addictions, I am experienced in non-chemical addictions including gambling addiction and sex addiction. I have been a guest speaker on non-chemical addiction at the University of San Francisco, Holy Names University, and Golden Gate University.
In Person Office in Old Town Pasadena
16 N Marengo Ave, Suite 217, Pasadena, CA 91101
Serving Pasadena and the Greater San Gabriel Valley, my office is located down the street from Pasadena City Hall as well as Old Town Pasadena. Conveniently located off of the 210, it is a short drive from Altadena, South Pasadena, San Marino, Arcadia, Alhambra, La Cañada Flintridge, Glendale, Monterey Park and San Gabriel.
There is limited street parking but there are several parking garages within the block.
Fall in Love Again and Live Happily Ever After
Life is too short. Don't settle for a mediocre relationship. Get professional help now, it will benefit you for the rest of your life.
elvinalui@gmail.com | 16 N Marengo Ave, Suite 217, Pasadena, CA 91101 | (626)464-1651